QUIRKY FAMILIES!
Sunil James, one of the Sehion Ministries youth leaders, explains how to have a better relationship with your parents.
A VISIT HOME
I recently went home from university for the Easter break. I couldn’t wait to go home because I had really missed it while I was away. The first day there was awesome, we were like the those perfect families that you see in the movies – joking, hugging and great conversation - it was just great. But life is never that perfect, right? (#incoming gloom) After a couple of days, irritation started creeping in. I got annoyed with my mum and then my bro and finally with my dad. The disputes were over silly little things, like not following simple cooking instructions. Another started when I made a joke that was taken the wrong way so that it felt like a dig. It can be so annoying when our parents just don't get us, right? You would think that after caring for us all those years and seeing us grow up that they would understand us better. Sometimes it seems that the older they get, the worse they are at recognising our needs. (Or maybe, is it that the older we get the more difficult it is to accept their authority?) So how do we as young people deal with our wonderful but sometimes difficult, parents?
ADVICE
The only way to solve this difficult issue is the fourth commandment, "Honour your father and Mother" (Deuteronomy 5:16). Every time I read this commandment, I smile to myself, because I know that most of us young people are going to struggle with this at some point in our lives. Having to honour the people who seem to have as their mission, to make us look seriously uncool is not easy. They might also want to separate us from our friends and say that it is for our benefit, but it doesn’t seem like it is, at the time.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
When we are young, our parents seem to constantly impose rules that try to restrict our freedom. But maybe we are looking at it the wrong way. As I’ve grown up, it has become clearer to me that, actually, it was for my good that my parents imposed the boundaries when I was younger. For example, by not allowing me to go out with my friends all the time, especially during exam periods, meant that I did well in my exams. So now I am studying at university doings the course that I wanted to do and actually enjoying it. By not giving me cash when I asked for it to spend on McD's and KFC meant that now, at university, I have enough money to spend on important things like travel and buying a spare ID card when I lost my initial one (#student life). Though it may seem that rules actually restrict us, these boundaries usually help us to be freer in the future.
TAKEN FOR GRANTED
I'm the kind of guy that likes to be independent and handle things on my own without any support. But being at university has shown me how dependent I used to be on my parents. For example, at home I never had to worry about paying bills at the right time, setting up the utility accounts or dealing with council taxes. We may feel that we are living independently when we live with our parents but that is only because they do everything that is important for us. During exam times at university I really missed my mum cooking for me. At home a meal would always be ready on the table at just the times when I was hungry. Now, I have to waste time that I don’t really have, because I left all my revision until the last minute, buying, preparing and cooking food for myself. Let me warn you that during exam periods, every second counts.
BETTER COMMUNICATION
It can be annoying that sometimes our parents just don't seem to get us. But I have learned that in fact, I was the problem and not my parents. I wasn’t making the effort to talk to them properly or clearly enough for them to understand me. I realised that although they have known us for many years, parents are not mind readers and don’t know what we are thinking. We should also remember that they generally want the best for their children. This might mean that we have to do something that we don’t want to do, like more revision, but in the future we will thank them for it. Our parents have learnt from their own experience and want to pass on their wisdom to us. So for example, they may not allow us to do something that we think would be fun because they know from experience that there may be dangerous consequences if they allowed it.
THE HOLY SPIRIT
The reality is that our parents are not perfect but neither are we. We have to try to be reconciled with them. How can we do this? Well, by asking the Holy Spirit for His fruit. (Galatians 5:22-23) If the problem is that someone is short tempered, then we should ask for the fruit of love and patience. If we find someone irritating, then we need the fruit of gentleness and self-control. If we have the urge to shout back, it is the fruit of meekness that is required. The Holy Spirit will help us in our weakness. We have to pray for the grace to love our parents more. If we feel that it is our parents who need to change then maybe we should pray for the grace to see what needs changing in us first (#deep). We ought to love our parents and honour them as best we can. We have to love them despite their weaknesses and their issues, because like it or not, we take after them. Moreover, our Lord Jesus will reward us for this as we read in Exodus 20. If you have time, it might be worth reading the life of St. Germaine Cousin and asking her intercession.
